See the Friend’s Merits Above His Flaws

Hevruta meeting

Introduction

We have already encountered the principle of "seeing the merits of the friends rather than their flaws" earlier in our study of the principles of the Ten. Now we want to look more concretely at how to apply this direction so that it does not remain only theoretical. If the Kabbalists give us such a principle, we can understand that it is not something that comes naturally. It requires us to go against our own nature. If it came naturally, there would be no need to define it as a principle of our work. So now we want to dive a little deeper into this topic and understand how to put it into practice.

On Sunday, because of the Unity Day in Prague, there was a little less focus on this specific topic and more time devoted to questions from all the participants. It was a great event, with more than 60 friends participating in Prague, and it came just after the wonderful convention we had in Vilnius with more than 100 participants. Altogether, we can see that building unity is an important element of our path. At the same time, we need to learn how to build this unity, because naturally it is not easy for us. If it were easy, we would have solved this problem a long time ago. So, let us see what the Kabbalists tell us about this work. We will watch a few clips, discuss the topic together, and try to clarify more deeply how we can apply this principle between us.

"If one has love of friends, the rule in love is that you want to see the friends’ merits and not their faults. Hence, if one sees some fault in one’s friend, it is not a sign that his friend is at fault, but that the seer is at fault, meaning that because his love of friends is flawed, he sees faults in his friend.

Therefore, now he should not see to his friend’s correction. Rather, he himself needs correction. It follows from the above-said that he should not see to the correction of his friend’s faults, which he sees in his friend, but he himself needs to correct the flaw he has created in the love of friends. And when he corrects himself, he will see only his friend’s merits and not his faults."

RABASH, Article No. 17, Part 1 (1984) "Concerning the Importance of Friends"

"One must not look at one's friend unfavorably, finding in him precisely that which is not good and searching for flaws in his friend's work. On the contrary, one must only look at the good and always search and find in him merit and good, and by this there will be peace with everything."

Likutey Etzot, "Peace,” Item 10

"How can one consider one’s friend greater than himself when he can see that his own merits are greater than his friend’s, that he is more talented and has better natural qualities? There are two ways to understand this:

1. He is going with faith above reason: once he has chosen him as a friend, he appreciates him above reason.

2. This is more natural—within reason. If he has decided to accept the other as a friend, and works on himself to love him, then it is natural with love to see only good things. And even though there are bad things in one’s friend, he cannot see them, as it is written, “love covers all transgressions.”"

RABASH, Article No. 17, Part 1, (1984), "Concerning the Importance of Friends"

"Although your friend's virtues are not equal to yours, you must tolerate him and love him, for so the Creator created him."

The Holy Shlah, Shaar HaOtiot, Vol. 2

Workshop / Discussion 1

What difficulties can we encounter when trying to apply this principle?

Let's watch a clip of Rav on the topic:

Clip 1 in the playlist

"One must believe that “there is none else besides Him,” meaning that it is the Creator who compels him to do the good deeds, but since he is still unworthy of knowing that it is the Creator who commits him, the Creator dresses Himself in dresses of flesh and blood, through which the Creator performs these actions. Thus, the Creator acts in the form of Achoraim [posterior].

In other words, the person sees people’s faces but he should believe that behind the faces stands the Creator and performs these actions. That is, behind the man stands the Creator and compels him to do the deeds that the Creator wants. It follows that the Creator does everything, but the person regards what he sees and not what he should believe."

RABASH, Article No. 19 (1990), Why Is the Torah Called “Middle Line” in the Work – 2

It is the same with love of friends. It is a great effort when a person must judge the friends to the side of merit, and not everyone is ready for it.

Sometimes, the situation is even worse. At times, a person sees that his friend is disrespectful toward him. Even more than that, he has heard slander, meaning that he heard from another friend that this friend, so-and-so, said about him things that are not proper for friends to say about one another. Yet he must subdue himself and judge him to the side of merit. This is indeed a great effort. It follows that through the exertion, he gives a payment that is even more important than a payment of money.

However, if that person slanders him, where will his friend muster the strength to love him? He certainly knows that he hates him, otherwise he would not slander him. So what is the benefit of subduing himself and judging him to the side of merit?

The answer is that love of friends, which is built on the basis of love of others, through which they can achieve love of the Creator, is the opposite of what is normally understood as love of friends. In other words, love of others does not mean that the friends will love me. Rather, it is I who must love the friends. Therefore, it makes no difference that the friend slanders him and certainly has hatred toward him. Rather, a person who wishes to acquire love of friends because of love of others is the one who needs correction, so that he will love the other.

Therefore, when a person makes the effort and judges him to the side of merit, it is a Segula [remedy/power/virtue]. Through the exertion that a person makes, which is called "an awakening from below," he is given strength from above so that he will be able to love all the friends without exception.

Rabash, article 30 (1988), What to ask for in the Assembly of Friends

So we see that Rabash tells us that situations can arise in the group where one friend says something bad about another friend. Maybe he says, "You don't prepare properly," "You don't read correctly," or "You don't prepare the food for the friends properly." There can be all kinds of situations. First of all, we understand that these situations also come from one source, and that the group is precisely the place where such revelations can happen so that we will have an opportunity to make an effort. Now we need to understand how to work with these situations, because they are part of the work. It is very important to learn how to overcome such states. Otherwise, instead of becoming helpful situations that allow us to grow, they can weaken us and make us lose the motivation to continue connecting with the friends. If I feel that the friends do not like me, maybe I no longer want to connect with them. I wanted the Creator, not some friends who tell me unpleasant things. So we need to learn how to work when such situations arise.

Of course, right now we are not yet really in a Ten, so many of these situations are still ahead of us. But we understand that everything depends on preparation. The more we prepare ourselves, the more ready we will be for the new states the Creator gives us. We read about Rabbi Shimon and his students, who wrote The Zohar, that before they sat together to study, they felt as though they were at war with one another. Only afterward, through their work together and by overcoming that feeling, they reached complete love. If this happened among the students of Rabbi Shimon, we can understand that, to some extent, we too will have to go through similar dynamics. Maybe not at the same level as Rabbi Shimon's students, but we can understand that this is part of discovering our nature and learning how to rise above it. So now, let us watch a clip of Rav.

Clip 2 - in the playlist

Transcript:

The matter of love, friends, which is built on the basis of love of others, through which we can attain love of the Creator, is the opposite of what is customary in love of friends. The meaning of love of others is not that the friends should love me. They can relate to me as they always do, with rejection, in all kinds of ways. Rather, I need to love them.

So, it does not matter that one friend speaks slander about me, another completely disrespects me, and a third does not understand me, does not see me at all, and so on and so forth, and they whisper among themselves about me, or perhaps it only seems that way to me. It is not important.

I need to understand that these friends are actors of the Creator. He arranges them in relation to me. He is also inside me and turns me in such a way that I will see them like this.

Rather, a person who wants to acquire love of friends for the sake of love of others, this person needs correction so that he will love the other. Therefore, when a person receives this awareness and always judges the friend favorably, by this he justifies the Creator and understands that the Creator has given him this work so that he will draw closer to Him. And if he is unable to do it, then he should ask, pray, and speak directly with the Creator:

"Whom have You given me? I am unable to overcome him. He is so repulsive, he is so bad, he gets on every one of my nerves and awakens things in me. I cannot tolerate him."

Then ask the Creator: "What You have given me is very difficult. I am unable to be in this. Help me." It works.

After you ask, the Creator helps. He gives you a little understanding, a slightly different feeling, and the friend becomes even worse.

Why? Because He helped you, so He must also raise the other side. Otherwise, there would be no free choice.

And this is how we advance. The main thing is to have a connection with the Creator and to establish a partnership with Him, to work together. You can turn to Him with all your problems, with whatever you want, and do whatever you want. Try it.

He loves us, waits for us to turn to Him, and is ready to be our partner. You have no friend closer or more faithful than the Creator. Truly. You can speak with Him as with your closest friend.

Workshop

Try to explain to each other how focusing on the friend's merits rather than the friend's flaws helps us come closer to the Creator.

Clip Rav 3 in the playlist

Q&A